


Your touch (I need that)

by Evil_Keshi



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Boys In Love, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26817289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Keshi/pseuds/Evil_Keshi
Summary: Magnus shied away from touches when he realised that he could hear people's thoughts upon touching them. Enters Alexander.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 57
Kudos: 396





	Your touch (I need that)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I thought last Thursday about taking part in the Flufftober challenge, knowing we were already the 1st and I'd struggle to post daily and guess what? I was right! So, this one is for the first day and the "Touch" prompt (I'm following one of the lists Meghan compiled and posted on Twitter - follow her Shadowhunters fanfiction rec blog @fic_tional if you aren't already!) We'll see if I manage to post all 31 stories (spoiler alert: I might not.) Enjoy your reading!
> 
> PS: this is short but might be a sort of prequel to another story? Not sure yet. If I do post something else for Flufftober, this will also be included in a series gathering all my works for that event. Also, the title of this oneshot is taken from the song 'HOME' by BTS.

  


He didn't quite know how nor why it happened the first time. Magnus was seven that day when he ran up to his stepdad for a hug - only to be pushed away with a hard shove, far too harsh for such a little boy, and that's when he heard them. The _voices_ , the whispers in his head that sounded like his stepdad and said _he's such a weird kid, not mine, I don't like him_.

Magnus didn't understand where the voices came from, didn't even know who was talking at first, but he was almost positive that the words described him. The hurt that pierced his little boy's heart was so overwhelming that he didn't even imagine that perhaps he should be scared of hearing voices that nobody else could hear: the acute pain and disappointment in the man who loved his mother and should have tried to love him, too, even just a little bit, threw every other emotion or feeling away.

After that first time, it happened a lot more. In the beginning, Magnus didn't realise what got the voices started, why his head was blissfully empty and silent one second and loud, loud, loud the next. It happened in lots of different situations and he couldn't think of anything similar between all of those, until he caught a pattern. He had just held his father's hand to cross the road to go from his dad's car to his mom's and his stepdad's house. He'd brushed hands with his teacher when she'd given the graded tests back. He'd been getting a haircut and the kind hairdresser with his blue locks had gently touched his chin so that he lifted his head.

Touching.

Touching prompted the voices, the _thoughts_ , he soon came to realise, and twenty years later Magnus still didn't know what to call himself, a mind reader or a telepath or something else, but the point was, he could hear people's thoughts when he touched them.

So he stopped.

Some, he didn't want to know the deepest, most secret thoughts of out of respect for their privacy; others, he was scared to know what they truly thought of him, even if they smiled at him when they were together. He knew that beyond those smiles, the truth could be ugly: the experience with his stepdad had taught him that hypocrisy was real and hurt so, so deeply, to the point that even as a kid, Magnus preferred not to touch anyone than relive the same disappointment.

Sometimes, he was disappointed in the person, for making him believe that they were his friend, when they were actually making fun of him behind his back or stuck close to him for profit - ranging from sharing his chocolate muffin at recess to stealing his homework or using him as a charity case, because apparently it was cool to seem supportive of the bisexual kid at school. Being an actual ally was something else entirely, though.

Magnus shied away from all touches, gentle and intimate or casual or rough and accidental. He couldn't stand to hear the voices that came with a poking finger or an extended hand, not even a friendly arm thrown across his shoulders. He _did_ make friends, eventually, loyal ones who never had a mean thought toward him the rare times he didn't manage to elude their touch.

Ragnor, Raphael, Catarina. They were the first people he confided into and trusted with his secret, because he was tired of avoiding the group hugs and seeing their faces fall every time Magnus slipped through their grasp with a pained expression. So he told them, shaking at the prospect that maybe they would judge him, condemn him, consider him crazy and turn their backs on him.

He cried when they didn't, when Ragnor suggested that perhaps they could try to focus on something precise when they touched him - like the alphabet or the national anthem or Mendeleev's periodic table. He cried harder when Ragnor added that it wasn't a mean to hide rude thoughts or protect their privacy, which Magnus would have understood and been mindful of, nor out of fear of him prying into business that was not his own. No, they trusted him to respect their boundaries, they just... they didn't want to overwhelm him or make him uncomfortable.

The first time he hugged Catarina for more than half a second, her thoughts went to her grocery shopping list and it was awkward. The second time, it was a list of the things she loved about Magnus - he cried again. Raphael teased him about it for hours, only to shut up and blush when Cat started to list every single one of his own qualities in retaliation.

The only purposeful touches Magnus ever allowed himself to deliver were on his three close friends, who knew about his secret, accepted Magnus' sometimes accidental intrusions on deeper thoughts and didn't blame him for those. Friendship was precious to him, all the more since he didn't think he could enjoy anything more... romantic. Love was complicated enough as it was and Magnus wasn't sure it was fair, how his condition made it even harder to handle. Oh, he wasn't pessimistic or cynical, but he spoke from experience. He'd liked people before, enough to ask them out and try to have the same kind of open, trusting relationship as he did with his best friends but... what was he supposed to do, when he brushed his date's hand and realised that Camille was only interested in his body? That Dorothea had recently broken up with her long-time boyfriend and was kind of only looking for a rebound, even though she meant not harm? That George was only there for the summer and wasn't certain he could handle a long-distance relationship afterwards?

Going on a simple date was a complex and confusing affair, so anything else, anything _more_... Magnus was sweating just thinking about it. How was he supposed to make love to someone, when both of their minds would be wide open, clouded with pleasure thus unable to hide anything? What if this _anything_ was made of ugly thoughts? What if he read something he wasn't supposed to and it put a strain on his relationship, broke something that he couldn't mend because it would inevitably happen again?

So Magnus resigned himself to ban love from his life. He was fine. He had his friends and he loved them, they were enough and he didn't need anyone else. Perhaps it was true, but just because he didn't need anyone else, didn't mean that no one else would find their way to him and stay.

Much like Magnus hadn't expected to find and keep genuine friendships in his life, he didn't see love coming. He didn't see Alexander coming. A business meeting, a professional but real grin in reaction to a handshake he couldn't avoid, and his expectations of the usual snarky _pretty face, bad at his job_ thought and the likes of it had been shattered, replaced with an awed _I will protect that smile with everything I have_. Alexander had entered his life like a whirlwind, making him blush on their first meeting even though the younger man had not opened his mouth except to say hello and goodbye, sitting through the business meeting in silence.

  


  


The next time they saw each other, at work still, Alec had gushed about all the great ideas Magnus had for their collaboration, expressing his admiration and eagerness for their respective teams to work together some more, ending with a gentle touch to his shoulder when he departed. Magnus hadn't even tensed, melting instead when he caught the fleeting _he's so smart and impressive, I think I love him a little_. He didn't quite see it coming, but he wasn't that surprised either when Alec asked him out the next week, eyes sparkling with excitement and delight, with the odd pinch of self-consciousness and doubt that Magnus was quick to destroy. He proceeded cautiously though, a bit scared of the disappointment he had grown used to... but he never once regretted to have given Alec a chance.

On their first date, weeks after they'd started working together, Alec gently put his hand on Magnus' over the table of the restaurant. He let go when Magnus tensed a little, afraid of what he would hear, but what he managed to catch made him want to snatch Alec's hand right back and hold it forever. _He's amaz- oh, oh no, he looks upset, crap, I don't want to ruin this, I care about him and I want to be his friend if nothing else and oh shit, Alec, just let go you big idiot, don't you see he's uncomfortable as h..._ The thoughts cut off when Alexander's hand flew to his glass. Magnus would have given everything to be touching him later that night, to witness his reaction as he sent the younger man a quick text that read _had a lot of fun tonight. When can I see you again? My treat_.

  


  


Magnus was trembling the first time they kissed. It was their fifth date, they'd had the brilliant idea to go to an amusement park and they were soaked after going onto these little boats for a ride that ended with a steep descent and a shower of cold, so cold, water. Magnus wasn't shaking because of the temperature of the water though, but because Alec was swinging their joined hands between them, laughing at his white t-shirt that clung to his chest and at Magnus' wet hair that fell into his eyes, and try as he might, Magnus could not focus on anything else than the thoughts running wild in Alec's mind, as well as his own. _He looks adorable. I want to kiss him. May I? Is it too early? I don't want to fuck this up and I really want to kiss him but sometimes he freaks out when I hold his hand and I really, really don't want to scare him now but I really want to kiss him too and I_...

Magnus stopped walking, squeezing Alec's hand to make him stop as well. This was enough.

"I really, really want you to kiss me right now," he said, as confidently as he could manage, though his voice sounded a bit shriller than usual.

So Alec did. What started in a cacophony of _it's happening, I can't believe he wants me to kiss him, holy crap_ turned into a blissed-out silence that Magnus had never experienced while touching someone, especially so intimately. He could only hear the sound of their lips meeting, of his left hand ruffling Alec's hair while his right splayed over his t-shirt with a wet clap, and the whimper that Alec let out at the touch. His mind was void of thoughts that weren't his but full of contentment, of happiness and Alexander.

"I... I really wanted to do that," Alec stammered once he stepped back, a grin slowly brightening his face, until he looked like sunshine personified.

This moment would have been perfect, if not for the guilt that invaded Magnus: Alec had no idea that his thoughts weren't private, as much as Magnus tried not to pry, but it was inevitable that he caught glimpses here and there, whenever they were holding hands... Something that Magnus had learned he enjoyed a lot, though not for long periods of time, lest he become overwhelmed with the sheer amount of thoughts that seemed to course through Alec's mind all day long. He had an unrestricted access to the subtlest ideas that crossed the young man's mind and Magnus nearly felt sick for not saying anything, for not asking for permission, so maybe that was why he blurted out:

"I know. You wanted to kiss me."

"Am I that easy to read?" Alec joked, eyes crinkling with mirth, and Magnus kind of really wanted to kiss him again, except that he couldn't do that before he'd explained himself thoroughly.

"You have no idea," he mumbled, biting his lower lip. "Uh... How do you feel about... I mean, if I said I could read your mind, would you believe me?"

There was a short moment of silence as Alec observed him, brows raised high as if he expected a laugh to come out any second, but Magnus stood still and waited, his expression worried.

"You... You can tell what I'm thinking about right now?" Alec wondered hesitantly.

"It's not like that," Magnus answered with a shaky breath, "I need... I need to touch you to be able to... yeah."

"Oh!" Alec exclaimed, as if it explained everything - and in a way, it did, because Magnus knew that the young man had been a bit hurt, more than once, when he'd abruptly let go of Alec's hand or stepped out of his tender embrace with dumb excuses. "I see."

He reached out, holding out his hand and waiting for Magnus to take it, an encouraging smile on his lips.

"Can we try something?" he asked.

Magnus didn't know what this _something_ entailed, but Alec hadn't run away screaming upon hearing about his strange ability so he thought that maybe, just maybe, it would be alright. He held Alec's hand carefully, gently, warm fingers slotting into place together, and he smiled.

 _I love your smile so much_ , was what he heard at once, _I think you're amazing and I'd really like for you to be my boyfriend, if... if you want that too?_

Magnus blushed, then laughed and squeezed Alec's hand, folding into him until he could rest his head onto the large and firm chest in front of him. He caught the small _he's so adorable_ and huffed a laugh, before he straightened his posture and grinned.

"Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend, Alexander."

  


  


They took things slow, careful not to overwhelm each other, Alec with hundreds of thoughts travelling through his mind and hands to Magnus' brain and Magnus, with the knowledge that whatever Alec might think about, it wasn't private anymore as soon as he touched his boyfriend. Magnus learned to keep his hands to himself when Alec looked upset, in spite of his eagerness to comfort him through touch, as he was unwilling to read thoughts that Alec might have wanted to keep to himself, things he might not have wanted to talk about at first, or ever.

It took some time, but they worked it out. Magnus' hesitation to touch Alec sometimes, as well as Alec's fear of metaphorically slapping Magnus with too many wild thoughts taught them to communicate a lot more and a lot better.

Occasionally, when Alec would fail to express himself with words, he would stop talking and stare at Magnus with a silent plea in his eyes, until his boyfriend gently took his hand or squeezed his shoulder and opened a window onto his mind. Sometimes, when work had been hectic and he'd been forced to shake hands endlessly in meetings, it was Magnus' turn to look at Alec with insistence, until he opened his arms wide and welcomed Magnus into a tight hug, closing his arms around his boyfriend and cuddling him to sleep, the lullaby of his relaxed, positive thoughts and quiet joy at holding him echoing in Magnus' tired mind.

  


  


The first time they made love, Magnus cried. Alec was his first, the only man he'd felt comfortable enough to surrender to, to give the most open and vulnerable version of himself to, and he'd been ready to accept all of Alec in the same way.

He'd been wholly underprepared.

He'd expected... well, he didn't really know. Maybe to read every single thought Alec had ever had about his body, which would probably have been embarrassing, although his boyfriend always made the sweetest comments, whether loud or silent, when it came to him. He certainly hadn't expected the out-of-body experience.

As Alec and he melted into each other, Magnus couldn't tell where his body ended and Alec's started, couldn't tell whose pleasure he was feeling, didn't know if he was the one whispering endless _I love you_ in Alec's ear or if he was only hearing Alec's thoughts - maybe both. He'd felt Alec right there in his mind and his heart, leaving an indelible mark, and for the mere minute Alec disentangled himself from him to turn the lights off, Magnus felt terribly empty in his body and his head both. He curled around Alec as soon as he lay back down, pressing his chest to his boyfriend's back and for the first time in his life, Magnus shared someone else's dreams that night.

  


  


Magnus didn't quite know how nor why it happened the first time. He was seven and suddenly he was reading someone else's mind, getting shoved and hurt with few but cruel words. He learned to stay away and didn't make friends for years, until three people showed him that he could trust them to be supportive and loving. Friendship came as a surprise, love even more so, and sometimes Magnus wondered where he would be if he had not found them. Ragnor, Catarina, Raphael... and Alexander, of course.

Oh, he certainly would not be there, if not for Alec. Yet there he was, smiling so wide it stretched and hurt his cheeks a bit, gazing into hazelnut eyes that shone with light and were his whole world. They were standing face to face, in matching and tailored suits, holding hands tightly, and Magnus grinned a bit wider still when he caught the intensity of Alec's thoughts, his near disbelief but also overwhelming happiness, and he heard the awed _I really get to spend the rest of my life with this man, how lucky am I?_

Magnus chuckled, aware that he was the lucky one, actually, and perhaps he felt close to tears once again, as he took another incredibly important and unexpected step in his life, but he could only stare at Alec with the most loving gaze as his soon-to-be husband thought and said aloud, at the same time:

" _I do_."

  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
